I continue to see motivational posts about forgiveness and the importance of letting go to begin the healing process. Most self help articles touch on forgiveness as though the act in itself of forgiving will alleviate us from the hurt caused by the offense committed. I am a strong believer that it is not forgiveness that frees us but in fact, it is acceptance that allows us the freedom to move on.
Like the word love, forgiveness is tossed around lightly yet it carries different dimensions and layers. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines forgiveness as ceasing "to feel resentment towards (an offender)." This is putting it simply. It is a clear explanation of what we are doing when we decide to forgive someone. But if it is so easy, what's with the dimensions and layers?
To begin with, there is no such thing as forgiving and forgetting because we are built to remember the emotional response resulting from our experience. So let's take that off the table. Once someone has hurt you, there is no way you will forget what he or she has done to you. Time does help with the healing process but it does not erase the memory. With this said, if we are not able to forget, then does this mean that we inherently will always resent the person who offended us? I say, yes, however, resentment exists on a spectrum similar to anger. So how do we then, as imperfect human beings living among other imperfect human beings, overcome the anger, resentments and hurts experienced in response to something someone did, especially someone we care about?
This is where acceptance comes through to save the day. We can accept the fact that the offense happened. We can accept that the person who committed said offense did or did not intend to hurt us. If the individual intended to hurt us, we can accept that this individual is a horrible person, potentially ignorant, careless, and lacks empathy. We can accept that perhaps this individual is not capable of loving us the way we want to be loved. We can accept that there is nothing we can do to change the past. We can also accept that we still have our lives to live, and that we have a choice whether we want to be survivors or victims. We can accept the challenge to move on, to continue being good people by promoting love and not hate. We can also accept the ability to choose whether or not we will allow the offender back into our lives.
When it comes to family, this decision may be much more difficult, but I reassure you-you still have a choice to choose whether you want to continue holding a relationship with this individual or not. You do not have to continue exposing yourself to someone's carelessness and toxicity simply because society tells you it is the right thing to do. You are not a horrible daughter or son if you choose to set limits with your parents. You are not creating family conflict if you choose to not go to a family reunion. You are standing up for yourself and you are staying true to yourself.
Accepting what happened, accepting whether or not you choose to work on the relationship, and accepting to move on from the incident, will provide a new lense from which to view your experience. It is now a experience that has led to personal growth and empowerment. The authenticity and the autonomy that comes from acceptance leads to freedom and that is the type of freedom that will help you let go and live your life to the fullest. Guilt free, shame free, and just, well...free.
Comment below and let me know what you think about this topic. Do you agree, disagree? Any personal experience related to this topic you would like to share?
Like the word love, forgiveness is tossed around lightly yet it carries different dimensions and layers. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines forgiveness as ceasing "to feel resentment towards (an offender)." This is putting it simply. It is a clear explanation of what we are doing when we decide to forgive someone. But if it is so easy, what's with the dimensions and layers?
To begin with, there is no such thing as forgiving and forgetting because we are built to remember the emotional response resulting from our experience. So let's take that off the table. Once someone has hurt you, there is no way you will forget what he or she has done to you. Time does help with the healing process but it does not erase the memory. With this said, if we are not able to forget, then does this mean that we inherently will always resent the person who offended us? I say, yes, however, resentment exists on a spectrum similar to anger. So how do we then, as imperfect human beings living among other imperfect human beings, overcome the anger, resentments and hurts experienced in response to something someone did, especially someone we care about?
This is where acceptance comes through to save the day. We can accept the fact that the offense happened. We can accept that the person who committed said offense did or did not intend to hurt us. If the individual intended to hurt us, we can accept that this individual is a horrible person, potentially ignorant, careless, and lacks empathy. We can accept that perhaps this individual is not capable of loving us the way we want to be loved. We can accept that there is nothing we can do to change the past. We can also accept that we still have our lives to live, and that we have a choice whether we want to be survivors or victims. We can accept the challenge to move on, to continue being good people by promoting love and not hate. We can also accept the ability to choose whether or not we will allow the offender back into our lives.
When it comes to family, this decision may be much more difficult, but I reassure you-you still have a choice to choose whether you want to continue holding a relationship with this individual or not. You do not have to continue exposing yourself to someone's carelessness and toxicity simply because society tells you it is the right thing to do. You are not a horrible daughter or son if you choose to set limits with your parents. You are not creating family conflict if you choose to not go to a family reunion. You are standing up for yourself and you are staying true to yourself.
Accepting what happened, accepting whether or not you choose to work on the relationship, and accepting to move on from the incident, will provide a new lense from which to view your experience. It is now a experience that has led to personal growth and empowerment. The authenticity and the autonomy that comes from acceptance leads to freedom and that is the type of freedom that will help you let go and live your life to the fullest. Guilt free, shame free, and just, well...free.
Comment below and let me know what you think about this topic. Do you agree, disagree? Any personal experience related to this topic you would like to share?
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