Oh my dear Walmart, how you test me.  But it's okay.  I think I passed yesterday.

As an overall day, yesterday felt like a visit to the twilight zone.  It started out fine, until I decided to run off to Walmart to purchase some things my daughter, Chloe, needed for a little business she is trying to get started.  While I was at Walmart, I decided to grab some things I needed for the office.  I managed to collect these things in a matter of minutes.  Then I made my way to the paint department to grab the last thing on my list.  Krylon triple thick glaze.  It comes in a spray can, which I discovered Walmart has locked behind a glass display.  

I get it.  I remember the days of seeing spray paint sprayed all over the aisle and shelves.  I get it.  People may want to steal a can or two, so a glass case makes sense.  I have come across a Walgreens or two that keeps pregnancy tests behind a locked glass case....I'm guessing it has to do with loss prevention.  "When would you have noticed that anyway, Maggie,"  you may be asking. TMI, folks. Now you're asking for way too much information.  Let's get back to the story.

So, there I am.  Me and the locked glass door.  Cans of Krylon triple thick glaze lined up, teasing me.  Oh, so close, but yet so far.  I walk to the end of the aisle, where I see a Walmart employee speaking to a customer.  They both look at me, and I wave my hand, lower my mask and say, "I need some help with the spray paint.  It's locked."  The employee points past me, and the customer he was speaking to gives me a crazed look and I hear him mumbling something but can't make out the words.  When he hurries past me, I hear him say he is going through the same thing, but he has been told to go to a different department to ask someone to open the case.  I watch as he walks towards the auto department and look back at the employee who now has returned to his post.  I figure, "Okay, well, this other guy is going to get someone, I'll just wait here."

The customer returns, still with the crazed look of frustration.  "I've walked all over the store and nobody has the key.  What I need is right there.  I remember when we could just come in and grab what we need and go.  Why are they taking so long?"

Being the anger management "guru" I am (insert laugh here), I smile politely and agree.  "Yeah, I guess they don't want people spraying things."  I'm calm, no reason to be so upset.  The customer and I engage in small talk and he continues.

"Oh, I know.  It's so bad.  That's what happens when people, they just open them up and spray everywhere."  We wait for another several minutes, after which the customer walks to the end of the aisle and searches to see if someone is coming, and then goes on to pace up and down the neighboring aisles.  By now I realize, "It is taking a while. Maybe I should call the front desk."

I pull out my phone, dial Walmart, and am greeted by an automated male voice, asking if I want to hear about Covid policies or if I want to reach the local Walmart.  I press 2.  I get another automated voice that goes into explaining something else and finally gives me the option to dial different departments.  I dial 0.  And that is when I feel something change in me.  Frustration.  

The phone rang for a long while before someone actually picked up.  I ask the woman who answers if she could send someone to open the case, and she responds politely, "I'll page someone."  I hang up, pleased with myself, until I hear the page above me.  

"Someone to electronics for customer assistance, please."

Wait.  What the f$%*!  Ahem.  Shake it off, Maggie.  Remember.  Use your tools, kid.  It's not that serious.  No reason to be upset, right?

Alright.  Deep breath.  Full exhale.  Alright.  Let's see if there is anyone nearby that can help.  I walk around to the next aisle, and the next after that...and find no one.  No one except the customer with the crazed expression, who is now speaking to his wife and explaining how he's waiting for someone to open the case.  At this point I feel my frustration turn into slight panic.  I mean, how long has he been waiting for?  What if no one comes?  Should I leave?  I'm going to be late to work, I'm on my lunch break.  This was only supposed to take a few minutes.  I should be back on my way...but I'm already here.  Chloe has been waiting for me to get this spray.  She can't do anything without it.  I need to get this so I can help her with her project.  It shouldn't be that much longer, they already paged whoever they needed in the electronics department.  Maybe they are connected somehow...I don't know...maybe they didn't hear what I said clearly?  What if no one shows?

My slight panic begins to creep into my face, and I feel my eyebrows sink over the bridge of my nose.  I'm feeling some moisture on my forehead, and my hair feels as though it's beginning to frizz.  I see the customer walk away and realize he's given up.  I can't give up.  I'm not a quitter.  I walk through the aisles now, determined, and the more I search, the angrier I become.  I realize I'm mumbling to myself.  "Oh my god," I say, "what's going on here?"  

I finally see someone with the blue vest and I stop him.  He looks at me, smiles, but I know the look in his eyes, for now I have become the customer with the crazed look.  "Hi, please, help me..." I say pathetically, "the spray paint is locked away...I've been waiting for a long time. Nobody is helping.  Can you open the door?"  He is still smiling when he says, "No, but I can page someone-"

"No!" I say, and he frowns.  "I"m sorry, I mean, they already paged someone in electronics...there's nobody here...could you page someone from this phone?"  I point to the phone on the paint department counter.  "No," he says, "I have to go to the fitting room to page someone."

"The fitting room?" I realize my voice has now risen to another pitch.  "Okay, I guess."  I watch him leave, in my heart knowing...he will be of no help.  

By this point I'm about, oh, I would say a 6 on my anger meter.  How do I know?  Well, I'll admit it.  I started to fantasize about how quickly staff would run to the paint department if I were to pick up a ladder or chair and smash the glass in.  Oh, these mother!@$#%^&& would really come running then, but with my luck...none of them would have the freaking key!  I did, however, take a deep breath, remembering, "Maggie, you teach anger management.  What would you tell your clients?  Are you being a big girl right now, or are you having a temper tantrum?  You have a choice.  Look for help, or leave."

The devil on my left shoulder suddenly appeared with. a smirk across his face and whispered, "Smash the glass door in, go ahead.  It'll be fun," but I paid no mind to that little guy.  I was still calm, now that my rational brain was back to work.  In the meantime, I'm standing at my post again, when I see a man across the way, reaching for a plastic cup off the shelf.  He's a tall man, so the way he is reaching for this one cup catches my attention, as I see him fumbling to get a specific cup, and in the process sends five other plastic cups crashing to the floor.  My eyes widen when I see the man with the one prized cup in hand, looking side to side, searching for witnesses...and then walks away without picking up the plastic cups off the ground.  "What the hell?"  I stare, my jaw drops, and then I pinch myself.  I start to wonder if I'm even alive anymore.  "Did I just see that happen?  Am I in the twilight zone?  Am I...dead?"  The idea that perhaps I was a ghost didn't seem so far fetched.  After all, no one seemed to see me, no one was coming to help...maybe I was just floating around through the aisles of Walmart in my afterlife, witnessing the oddities of human nature.  Perhaps this is what ghosts see day to day.  If so, they must have plenty of their own stories to share.  

I finally look at my phone to check the time, and realize if I don't find someone soon I will need to give up and go.  I walk to the customer service section, where I ask for help, and eventually, ONE employee looks at me, and says, "Let's go.  I'll get the key."

As I'm desperately grabbing cans and cans of Krylon triple thick glaze, I tell the employee, "Thank you so much.  I'm just grabbing a few extra...hehehe...oh, maybe a couple more...hehehe....you know...hehehe...don't want to go through that again, right?  Hahhaha...eheheh...eh..." She chuckles, and tells me I am welcome, and her chuckle shifted something in me, because now we are both chuckling.  My 6 has now gone back down to a 3.  By the time I checkout and leave, I take a deep breath and tell myself, "Well.  That wasn't so bad.  I didn't break any glass or shout at anyone....I think I did okay."

I drive back, get off the exit, and wait at the red light.  Suddenly, a car comes zooming past me, through the red light, zooming around oncoming traffic and my jaw drops for the second time.  "What the hell?  Did I just see-what the hell is going on today?  I must really be in the twilight zone.  And where are the cops?  If that had been me...not that I would ever do that...I would have a cop coming out of the bushes chasing me down....."

"Maggie," the little angel on my shoulder whispers, "you're safe.  The car is gone.  Just get back to work."

Moral of the story:  As you can see, even someone who teaches Anger Management can get angry.  It is, indeed, a normal emotion.  l always say anger is secondary to other emotions, and the emotions I was experiencing at the moment were confusion, anxiety, helplessness...oh yeah, helplessness, that's a big one.  After all, the Krylon triple glaze had been right there...right in view, and yet I had a locked glass door in my way.  That's life folks.  Sometimes there may be something we want and it's right in view, but you can't have it.  At least not right then, when you want it.  Impatience, that was another emotion.  And I must add, my expectations also got in the way.  Why would I expect any of the employees to rush and run around for little old me?  They are people too, and sure it would have been nice for someone to have helped me sooner, but if it wasn't their department, why would they feel obligated to leave their post to cover someone else who wasn't available at the moment?  I was the one who made a choice.  I could have just left.  But I chose to stay.  So, I had to work through that decision or if I wasn't happy with it...at any point, I could have walked away.  When we realize that the situation we are in is because of our own doing, our own decision making, then the only person we can be mad at is ourselves.  I should have been more upset at myself for deciding to stay, but in the end, someone took the time to help me, and that was valuable.  And I was grateful.  Grateful that someone cared, that someone had shared a laugh with me...and grateful that I made it back to work in one piece. 

"Did you see where this tomato plant decided to grow?"

My husband was pointing down to where the cement wall meets the asphalt ground.  A tiny tomato plant was sprouting out, as though telling the world, "Surprise!  Bet you didn't expect to see me here, did ya'?" 

I smiled and reminded him of last year's pumpkin palooza.  We had pumpkin plants sprouting all over the back and front yards.  Then there was the one sunflower and one cornstalk growing by the pond.  We never intentionally planted seeds in any of the areas in which these plants had taken root, but it did drive a point home for me.  We may plant seeds at some point in our lives, and they may not produce when we expect them to, but my goodness, when they take root when you least expect it and in the most surprising way-boy, does it bring a spectacular amount of joy to your heart.  

Rewind to three years ago.  I was determined to have a little garden at our new home.  I went all in, bought a crap-load of seeds.  I had no idea what or how to create a vegetable garden.  I remember laying out where I wanted certain vegetables to grow, and thought, "Ahhhh, sure, a foot of space between them should be enough."  Phew.  When I tell you I was wrong. So wrong.  

Lesson number one.  Always leave about two or more feet of space between seedlings.  If you're trying to grow squash or pumpkins-don't even bother planting anything else around those plants.  They grow like huge octopuses , arms sprawling out in every direction, gripping whatever is around them-including other plants that are trying to thrive.  I had so many vegetable plants growing, and some did well, some not so much.  It was just too overwhelming, and the squash plants either strangled their neighboring plants or cast shadows over them, compromising their ability to get sunlight.  

Lesson number two.  Strawberries.  Have them in their own dedicated location, separate from all other plants.  I'm not from a big city, but call me a city girl.  I did not realize strawberries grow in patches.  I did not realize these jump around, invading neighboring territories.  Mind you, I had planted two blueberry bushes next to the strawberries.  The strawberry plants spread, and I literally had to put up a small fence to stop them from spreading past the blueberries into the vegetable section.  The blueberries did not fare too well.  A moment of silence for the blueberry bushes please.  

Lesson number three and the lesson most relevant to the moral of this blog post.  Wherever you drop a seed, whether intentional or not, the seed has potential to grow at its own time, when its ready...and in its own way.  In honor of Ochun, my mother in Ocha, I have laid out pumpkins at the pond.  Three years ago, my children, a close friend and I, placed several little gourds and two big pumpkins at the foot of the pond.  I never removed them.  Just like I never thought to remove the little tomatoes that had fallen onto the dirt on their own and had been invaded by ants..  To be honest, there was a part of me that felt it was a more natural way of doing things.  Let the tomato, or pumpkin, run its course, and before they began to rot, I would just bury them.  The winter came, the snow came, and then the spring came.  I was going to be careful this time, and strategically planted things as I learned from the previous year.  However, what I did not expect was for the seeds of those tomatoes, and squash...and cilantro...to take root and grow.  I couldn't believe when the squash octopus reappeared, this time in my vegetable garden and at the pond, and all over the yard.  And then there was also the sunflower and cornstalk at the pond-the most random of all-which I was later told could have both been the product of wind, or birds...who have a habit of carrying things and then dropping them while in flight. 

Fast forward back to present day, where we are now growing, once again, pumpkins at the pond, and tomato plants are sprouting out from the driveway.  It's been a busy year, and I have not planted my vegetable garden, and we most definitely need to mow the lawn this coming weekend.  But even so, the seeds took root on their own and are thriving in their own way, in the least likeliest of places.  

Now, shifting gears and talking about people.  We are like these plants.  in so many ways.  There will be some people who will overwhelm us, cast shadows on us, and even try to strangle the life out of us.  There will be others who will want what we have, and try to invade our space, or cross our boundaries and violate us in different ways, emotionally and physically.  We could try to avoid these people, but we can't always run and hide.  We need to learn how to survive, how to thrive, even in the midst of the chaos.  Even in the least likeliest of places.  We need to learn how to be like seeds.  And we need to learn how to plant seeds as well.  I was given the gift earlier this week of bumping into a patient I haven't seen for years.  Someone who would share about his constant struggle with suicidal ideation.  When I saw him this time, he had a smile that was beaming, and he appeared genuinely happy.  He shared how his life had changed.  He had goals now, big goals, and he was hopeful about the future.  At one point during our interaction, he said to me, "There was a time I couldn't see myself living in the world.  Now, I can't see myself not being in the world.  I have a life now.  A future."  

Hold up...holding back tears.  Even writing those words gives me chills, and my eyes are welling up.  I'm so freakin' proud of this person, and if he were to read this, I want him to know how proud I am of him.  You know who you are.  And you made a change in me too.  You reminded me of the power of planting seeds, the potential for change and growth, and how much hope and faith matters.  

Regardless of the pumpkin Octopuses and strawberry patches out there in the world, whatever it may be, whether its a toxic relationship, an abusive past, a trauma that haunts us in our sleep, an addiction, or our own anger, whatever it is....we can overcome it in time.  We just need to be as persistent as the seed that waits underground, in the dead of winter.  Because in time, our time will come, and we will say, "Surprise!  Remember me?  Bet you didn't expect to see me here, did ya'?" 

It's a rainy morning and I should be out of bed, preparing my almost-two year old's lunch.  I should be taking a shower and getting dressed before the kids wake up.  I already had a cup of coffee but coffee doesn't do anything for me anymore.  I have reached the cap on the tolerance scale when it comes to coffee and the only other option would be energy drinks or pre-workout.  But I don't want to feel energized right now.  Instead, I want to remain in bed, cozy, listening to Luna snoring beside me and enjoying the silence of the dim-lit room, the sound of a bird's chirping outside my window, the rain clapping against the top of the air-conditioner.  I want to stay here, in this moment, before the day gets rushed, loud and busy.

The time is 6:56 am, and I have been up since 5 am.  Not by my own choice, but by my husband, who wakes up early to head out to work by 5:30 am.  He woke me this morning with a light kiss, and a laugh, when I squinted open my eyes and he informed me I was snoring with my mouth wide open.  He was holding a mug in each hand, and I was grateful.  My gratitude pushed me out of bed.  How could I turn away his effort?  "Okay, I'll get up," I said, and rolled out of bed.  My first destination was the bathroom, where I emptied my bladder and washed up.  Second destination was the front porch, where we tend to sit together on mornings and late evenings, typically with our coffee and cigarettes.  In the morning, our time together can vary in two different extremes.  Either we are talkative, and share about the day we each have planned ahead of us.  OR-we sit in silence, privately preparing ourselves for the day we have ahead of us.  Today was for talking, although there wasn't much to say.  It is raining after all, and therefore the kind of work he does is limited to indoor activity, which he had one or two indoor jobs lined up.  There wasn't much going on with my day that would be different from any other.  Get up, get the kids ready, drop off the baby and go to work.  Leave work, pick up the baby, and work some more.  So, instead of sharing about my day, I shared about the book I've been listening to on my car rides to and from work.  

"It's motivating.  I like it.  And he's funny too," I said, referring to Kevin Hart.  I recently finished listening to his first book on audible, and moved onto his second, The Decision.  I told my husband about some of my favorite points so far, including the topics of blaming others and playing the victim.  My husband seemed interested, and he commented on how much better it is to listen to a motivational speaker who is funny, than one who can be drawn out and boring.  "You know, like therapists.  They can be so boring," he said, in his Ricky Ricardo accent.  Actually, it's his real life, heavy, latino accent, but I like to refer to it as the Ricky Ricardo because people understand what I'm describing.  

I gave him the side eye but let him finish his point.  (ahem....keep in mind I am a therapist, and I don't think I'm so boring...but let's not get caught up on that thought).  When he was done, I thought back to the days I worked in a residential program and remembered how fulfilling it felt to speak to the patients about not only their pasts, but their potential.  "You know," I started, "I really enjoyed working at the program because everybody was there all the time.  You really got to know the patients.  And I have realized through the years, I enjoy talking to people not only about the "why" but also the "how'.  I'm a therapist, and I know it's important to understand why we feel what we feel, and why we do what we do, but if we get stuck there, we won't get to the moving forward part.   A lot of people get caught up in the why, but only some think about the how.  Like how do I get better, how do I stop doing the same things over and over again.  How do I stop repeating the same mistakes.  How do I change my life. How do I reach my goals.  How do I move forward."  I paused.  "What does it matter to know the why, if we don't think about the 'what now'?"  He nodded his head in acknowledgment, and we both remained silent for a moment.  i think we both needed a second or so of silence to think of our own lives, the journey we each have lived.  He has his, as I have mine.  We both have made several mistakes and taken detours with dead ends, but the one thing we have in common is we both have persisted to achieve something.  So far, our shared something is our family.  Not to say our marriage and family life is perfect-but we were two wounded human beings, with our own baggage, who both wanted to make something better for ourselves and for our kids.  

I sat there, thinking about my vision for my practice, still figuring out what it will grow into, and certain of what I want to do.  I enjoy motivating people, seeing their eyes light up with hope.  But I also realize that I'm not the hero of anyone's story.  It is the individual who has to make a choice.  It is one thing to think about the how, and another to act on it.  To be willing to take the risk of "failure", knowing you will face judgment and criticism, and remembering that those same people who are judging you and criticizing you are human also, with their own pasts, their own baggage, and at the end of the day, they are human just like you.  We are all on a journey trying to figure out what success and happiness looks like, and it doesn't have to be a big feat like becoming a Nobel Peace Prize winner or a New York Times best seller.  Happiness and success could be as personal as not picking up that drug each day, or not having an angry outburst and rupturing yet another relationship.  The goal can be holding a job long term, having meaningful relationships, or perhaps, just for today, it can be staying in bed a little while longer, (after your husband has gone off to work) and enjoying the sound of the rain.  

It's now 7:34 am and the little one beside me has awoken.  A little smile and mischievous giggle can do a lot more than coffee to get the day going.  Til next time-